Moving on form yesterdays thoughts about accessing the mind, another idea which i have stolen from a friend revolves around the idea of installing background software in our psyche, akin to Norton Anti-Virus (for addicts) to manage and monitor compulsive thoughts and behaviors.

Looking more the neuroscience (in a very simplified way) behind addiction, the part of the brain that is supposed to serve the Norton Anti-Virus function is the prefrontal cortex. Without getting to technical, this part of the brain is supposed to perform high level functions including language, spatial learning, conscious thought, judgment, and decision-making. This part of the brain is supposed to make sure we are making rationale decisions and to override impulsive urges. When the pre-frontal cortex is not functioning correctly, the opposite occurs. What and how the malfunction occurs seems to be different for everyone. But traumatic events seem to play a big role (potentially analogous to how dropping your computer on the ground can potentially corrupt your computers hard drive). In any case, the event triggers an impulsive activity and a dopamine hit induced euphoria. This short lived escape is the beginning of a cycle- what starts out as impulsive over time becomes compulsive. This results in changes in the pre-frontal cortex (which have been observed in some MRI based clinical studies). The impulsive activity lays down the foundation from which addiction springs from. For me, impulsive behavior emerged as an escape and coping mechanism. However. overtime, this turned to a powerful compulsion that whilst it could never be satiated was always calling for immediate gratification— with complete disregard to the future consequences.

So if the pre-frontal cortex is responsible for the higher reasoning part of our brain- it seems to me that this is where we need to look to fix the problem and see if we can instal the Norton Anti-Compulsive Disorder Software. Fortunately- while super difficult and almost impossible as times… it is possible to do this. This is possible because whilst the software has some bad lines of code, the pre-frontal cortex is not completely lost to us. We do not lose complete control.

Critically, when we understand that we are not slaves to our stories (or as I noted in a previous post our mind) and that we have tremendous amount of control over our actions. If you decide the the costs of compulsive behavior outweigh the benefits, you can be motivated to stop. Even when the compulsive forces are operating- we can begin to take back control. Whilst a first thought might be wrong and be triggering (or even first ten thoughts) the one immediately following the thought can be a right one. Your internal anti-addiction software can kick in and you can begin writing the pre-frontal cortex signaling pathways.

This is possible- but is hard – and requires a lot of dedication and support from family and friends. There a lot of tools available on line and in books.

One website i looked at was…

https://heartmindonline.org/resources/10-exercises-for-your-prefrontal-cortex

Als0 I recommend reading the book Breaking the cycle: free yourself form sex addiction.

Some folks, who practice certain spiritual approaches to life, will argue that there has always been light and dark energies. The dark wants to prey on the light, and for people with additions this is easier because they are spiritually “weakened” by their addiction. As a metaphor this scenario does describe my relationship to my compulsion (note i am not a spiritual believer and think vibrations are somewhat crazy, but who am I to judge… what ever works for people to get balanced and happy is a good thing). My compulsive behavior evolved from the need to manage shitty baggage and to escape the wounds that I had picked up during my life. Today, I have nothing to be escaping from or to be fearful off- but my mind and compulsion are always constructing new and fantastical things to question and fear. My mind is afraid to let go. To help it do just that I am trying to be more present. This takes a lot of learning. According to Confucius reflection is the first step in the learning process.

I realized during a discussion recently that contrary to my strongly held belief… I am not that good at reading some people. To cut a long story short, it became evident to me that sometimes people are unable to access their cognitive inner sanctum and articulate a feeling or an emotion. People shut down. Now thinking back to the comment about reflection as the first step to learning, it dawned on me, that maybe I am also one of those people who struggles to access his inner thoughts and being. How do much access do I really have to my cognitive center? Can I truly say that I objectively look at myself?

On an intellectual level I already know that i struggle to access parts of my memory and inner self associated with my history- it is a painful event to do so- so i do it to protect myself. In the past negative memories would some up and they were catalysts driving my self-driven destructive behavior. Fortunately, this is not so much the case now, but accessing my cognitive center continues to be challenge. These areas of my mind tend to be like Fort Knox. My mind always creates new diversions, doubt and fears to avoid digging deep into my own being. On a daily basis require “watching” and managing my mind- because it thinks it is protecting me from the wounds of the past. So my access is a work in progress… the path I have currently chosen to have better cognitive access includes being honest to everyone, practicing a set of tools to be aware, finding people to talk to and finally meditation. I am not very good with being consistent with mediation, but it shuts down the noise.

— So in short I am slowly but surely accessing my inner self… there is a long way to go though– getting comfortable and committing to the process seems to be the best first step. Pragmatically this is not surprising… commitment to anything is the first step to success

MEDITATION

Meditation has slowly starting becoming founded in solid science (theres link below has a brief news article on some of the literature).

Neuroscience of Mindfulness: What Happens to Your Brain When You Meditate

This blog is a personal means for me to untangle my minds thought processes and understand my own psychology. Along the way I am hoping to explore numerous psychological theories and practices, including spiritual and medical. I will try and not judge anything specifically, but i am fairly analytical and tend to be more persuaded by science than spiritual things. However, my own experience has also shown me that sometimes you simply have to be open to things, even things not founded in my own personal rationality, for them to have an impact on ones life. At the end of the day i believe in what works for people.

The first thing is to address how I got to be here, why I am interesting in explore more psychology and doing so on a public blog.

Looking from the outside, my life looks pretty good. I am a highly educated successful man with an amazingly beautiful wife and kids. And yet I suffer from a compulsive disorder that i have relied to escape reality since I was 9-12 years old… why? well probably because my mind was in control of me and I was using sexual compulsion as an escape mechanism initially to escape reality and then to manage baggage. But we jump to far ahead- most importantly here, I want to make clear that my addiction is not an excuse for poor choices that I may have made and hurt I have caused. I have to own these things and work to fix them every day- it is however a diagnostic rationalization of my behavior.

I have learned that my compulsive sexual addiction had absolutely nothing to do with intimacy or connection. It is a lonely, selfish, destructive disorder that is bent on getting consistent/continuous dopamine hits. The compulsion can never be satiated and causes significant pain- especially to those around me.

My own compulsion stemmed from a lot of things- mostly from a fairly shitty early childhood. Baggage that I had buried deep into my mind, baggage I would escape from. It was not until an event nearly resulted in me losing everything that I really started to seek help. That is when I found the book “Breaking the Cycle: Free Yourself from Sex Addiction, Porn Obsession, and Shame” and started talking to George Collins.

George may not be for everyone, but he opened up my mind and provided the tools i needed to start taking control of my life. For me George has been instrumental in turning my psychological life around. One of the most critical elements and strongly abstract components to this process is the concept that “am not my mind”. This is a powerful sentiment borrowed from Eckhart Tolle. Of course my first response was- what is this crazy new age nonsense and my addict personality continues to call it a load of horse shit. However I noted above, I needed to change and I was open to anything that would help get my compulsion sorted out…i started to read The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle, which was one component of me starting the journey of recovery but also to better investigate different concepts and thoughts regarding mindfullness and the like.

One line from the Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle… “To not be able to stop thinking is a dreadful affliction, but we don not realize this because everyone is suffering from it, so it is considered normal”.. resonated with me- because we really are focused on the past or on the future- but rarely on now.

Intellectually after consideration “you are not your mind” made a lot of sense to me- more importantly- it put me in control of my addiction-I am behind my mind. I am actually in control and can shut it off or watch it. The ability to start approaching day to day activities with this insight is amazing but can be tough in practice.

This was one of the first key steps for me in recovery

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton

Thanks for joining me! I saw this picture and I was not sure whether the sun was setting or coming up. In a funny way this is symbolic for me as this blog is part of my process to overcoming my past compulsions and addictive behaviors, so in one sense this does reflect a sun setting moment. On the other hand, I plan to try and use this blog as a tool in my recovery. A tool to help me overcome the stories embedded in my mind and ultimately to be more a more present, happier and fulfilled person. A tool to explore numerous psychological methods, theories and concepts to not only aid in my own recovery but also to better understand the human condition. So in this sense it really is a sunrising moment.