Isolation & Intimacy

I started this blog as a means to try and help me pave my way forward toward being more present and to overcome my personal demons. My compulsion evolved over many decades into what it is today. Almost 12 months to the day I began the path to freedom and recovery. My path to recovery is constantly being ambushed by resistance and sabotage and has involved coming to terms with a lot of hard truths.

One of the sad facts I have realized is my life lacked true intimacy. Even though I had amazing girlfriends and an amazing wife, I had never had a truly intimate loving relationship. This is not an indictment on my past partners- but on me. My life was characterized by compulsive impersonal non-intimate behaviors. My addiction focused on continuously searching the next dopamine hit. My world was seen through a sexualized lens that was obsessed with getting the “rush” of sexual euphoria. Even though the being compulsive saw me act in ways that conflict with my essential values, the obsession to have immediate gratification was over whelming and drove many poor decisions. The fact that I now know that I can have an intimate relationship has been a tremendous eye opening and important factor in my recovery. When resistance or sabotage on my addiction attempts to throw me off course- I focus my energy on my values, what is always true and my family.

Another observation from my past is that I was living a lot of my life in mental isolation. If shame, fear , anger, resentment, etc are the fuel to drive compulsion, then i believe isolation is the place where compulsion grows. My problems were hidden from all of the world. This isolation was driven by self preservation when I was younger. Traumatic events that I experienced played a role (maybe an essential role) in the fact that I isolated myself and managed life using sexual arousal. Sex was as an anesthetizer that allowed me to escape painful realities, to regulate my mood and to move forward. This isolation resulted in disconnection from reality and nurtured many negative character flaws including dishonesty. The way I ended up here is not of importance now, what is important is the fact that through this blog, talking to a therapist, a group of like minded folks and my wife, i bring everything to the surface. My addiction has no place to hide and isolate itself. I regularly identify with it and analyze how to move forward. Being honest with myself and those around me is essential.

Despite all of the ups and downs, i can say that i have experienced what being in the “now” feels like- even though temporarily. The ability to be free from compulsion is a possibility- it is hard work. But the reward is worth it. I try and focus on this as much as possible and move forward…. Today is no other day– the trials and tribulations of controlling compulsive behavior. Roughly a year into recovery after 25 years of addiction… i am happy with my progress… but there is a long way to go still.