Everyone wants to be free, even more so every addict wants to be free of their compulsion and in control….. if this is so then why arent we? Why cant we control our compulsions? Why is it so f&^king hard to be….
When i started my process of recovery, my psychotherapist said that recovery would be the hardest thing I would ever do. He also said I it would be a life long process. Of course no one likes to hear that things are either hard or would take an entire life time to really work through. The realization that I would be immersed in a battle between presence and a dissociation from reality for the rest of my life sounds depressing. The resistance within the addictive mind is strong. For more than 2o years i had lived dissociated for the most part from reality… so why stop now? Why not just continue in the parallel universe my mind has created. Obviously this is somewhat rhetorical. However, in my case lots of factors play into getting healthy. Of course my family is a strong motivator- but also another factor that I have been reflecting on in the last week or so- is Freedom. It might seem simple or cliche, but to be free from compulsion and mind is a powerful motivator. If you are an addict- think about how much the compulsion controls you. Can you simply put it down and do what you really want to do, without mind thinking about acting out. The answer is likely no… well it is often for me. When I realized how much I was not in control of myself and how i was a slave to my addiction it really hit home. The tentacles of addiction and compulsion controlled me and I was not free. If my mind wonders or I relapse- i lose my freedom.
So then- if i am so intent on being free and I live in the land of the free, why is it so hard to be “free”. So many websites and books are dedicated to this (just google it- the image above is the image search for freedom from compulsion)…One i saw listed 30 ways to be free– “30!”…. https://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/30-ways-free-your-mind-immediately.html
30 ways! amazing… so simple… yet I can barely get one method working sometimes. Why is so hard to manage the relentless strong hold compulsion and addiction can have on our minds? I think the answer control- we have to remain in control. When we cede even 1% to the addiction we lose. I know this is easy to write down and another thing to control in practice. But if we let addict in just even so slightly- the slip can turn into a slide. Trying to remember who we really are and want to be and that we really do decide our actions has been an important step for me to fight my compulsion. This is not to say I always win, quit the contrary- slip ups happen- but i take control back and start the climb again. My desire to control my life and truly be free helps drive me forward.
Yes it can be depressing that recovery is a life long endeavor- but i think it is more depressing to never truly be free.
Musings of someone figuring out how to be present 