Day to Day Fight with Compulsion

There are days when the compulsive urges are over whelming – to the point that just relenting seems like the easiest path to take. This resistance can be really difficult to manage. I wish I could take one of these “compulsin” tablets to do the trick. However, I strongly doubt it. I have noticed the best way forward (for me) is to try and deconvolute the reason for wanting to act out. I used to think my compulsive urges were just random events– however, it seems that nothing is random with my addiction…. when ever there is a compulsive urge there is a reason behind it- a trigger, an addictive purpose. Determining the reason for the minds relentless compulsive pursuits is not always easy for me. At the surface it is stress, fear and poor-self-esteem. Who would have thought? I know this is an overly simplistic excuse- It takes more internal reflection to really learn what drives the disorder for me. To sit down and really look inward and learn and then apply the changes necessary to become more whole and present.

I think my psyche is like an onion. The outside layers are develop in contact with the outside world. Outside external forces necessitate that the outer layers of the onion be fibrous and protective to ensure the onion does not deteriorate. I think we are no different- our external interactions directly impact the development of our own superficial layers. However, as we peel away at each layer- we get closer and closer to understanding our real selves. What really drives us. The issue is that peeling away takes time and is also very uncomfortable. It is uncomfortable for us to move away from the superficial protective layers into our cores. Writing this post- i feel like this is stupid- why would this make so uncomfortable? If you believe that the past can no longer hurt us and you are not defined by the past, then the only reason I can see this process is so uncomfortable is because our mind loses control as we journey inward. But this is the whole point…… so i need to do this more and more….

I think another important point, for others who may ready this…. know that my addict looks for every angle to take over– any slight loss of my focus will lead to relapse. If there is a relapse, it is important to not let the addictive mind use this negative energy turn this into a spiral. When we slip- we need to be supportive and ensure that it is a slip and not a slide…..when climbing a mountain, if you slip up, you establishing your footing and start climbing again…. dont just slide to the bottom!!

(paraphrased from George Collins book).