— Confucius
Some folks, who practice certain spiritual approaches to life, will argue that there has always been light and dark energies. The dark wants to prey on the light, and for people with additions this is easier because they are spiritually “weakened” by their addiction. As a metaphor this scenario does describe my relationship to my compulsion (note i am not a spiritual believer and think vibrations are somewhat crazy, but who am I to judge… what ever works for people to get balanced and happy is a good thing). My compulsive behavior evolved from the need to manage shitty baggage and to escape the wounds that I had picked up during my life. Today, I have nothing to be escaping from or to be fearful off- but my mind and compulsion are always constructing new and fantastical things to question and fear. My mind is afraid to let go. To help it do just that I am trying to be more present. This takes a lot of learning. According to Confucius reflection is the first step in the learning process.
I realized during a discussion recently that contrary to my strongly held belief… I am not that good at reading some people. To cut a long story short, it became evident to me that sometimes people are unable to access their cognitive inner sanctum and articulate a feeling or an emotion. People shut down. Now thinking back to the comment about reflection as the first step to learning, it dawned on me, that maybe I am also one of those people who struggles to access his inner thoughts and being. How do much access do I really have to my cognitive center? Can I truly say that I objectively look at myself?
On an intellectual level I already know that i struggle to access parts of my memory and inner self associated with my history- it is a painful event to do so- so i do it to protect myself. In the past negative memories would some up and they were catalysts driving my self-driven destructive behavior. Fortunately, this is not so much the case now, but accessing my cognitive center continues to be challenge. These areas of my mind tend to be like Fort Knox. My mind always creates new diversions, doubt and fears to avoid digging deep into my own being. On a daily basis require “watching” and managing my mind- because it thinks it is protecting me from the wounds of the past. So my access is a work in progress… the path I have currently chosen to have better cognitive access includes being honest to everyone, practicing a set of tools to be aware, finding people to talk to and finally meditation. I am not very good with being consistent with mediation, but it shuts down the noise.
— So in short I am slowly but surely accessing my inner self… there is a long way to go though– getting comfortable and committing to the process seems to be the best first step. Pragmatically this is not surprising… commitment to anything is the first step to success
MEDITATION
Meditation has slowly starting becoming founded in solid science (theres link below has a brief news article on some of the literature).
Musings of someone figuring out how to be present 